We thought we were smart, but based on the number of neurons octopi are even smarter. They got eight arms too, instead of only two, and would probably have taken over the world if they weren’t ocean-bound and lived longer than two years. Dolphins are smart as well and live much longer than octopi, but they’re still confined to oceans. Elephants are terrestrial and equally smart but they don’t have hands, which has been their downfall. Cows aren’t very smart, but there are definitely a whole lot more of them. Dogs also gradually started to increase in numbers, but they haven’t been able to outsmart us yet. But that could change. Animals are fed up with being fished to extinction, killed for their tusks, skinned to make fur, and locked away in cages. They are secretly plotting their revenge.  

If you like conspiracy theories, I’ve got one for you: animals have been patiently waiting for the right moment to strike, and that moment is now. Is it a coincidence that the Third World War was about to break out when COVID-19 struck at the same time we started destroying each other with 5G technology? It is no coincidence, it has all been planned. Not by China or Bill Gates, but by animals. They brought us down to our knees, so they could finally take over the world. I’m not trying to spread fear, but it makes total sense. Who else would want to spread a deadly human virus? It is no coincidence that it was the pangolin, the most trafficked animal in the world! How could pangolins possibly design a deadly virus you would say, but the thing is: they already had COVID, they just needed to transfer it to humans. Instead of hiding away from poachers, pangolins selected the most severely diseased members of their species to approach human villages. They had unwary people kill and eat the sacrificed pangolins, because they knew the virus would eventually mutate and transmit successfully. How can pangolins come up with such a plot, you would think? But why couldn’t they, my argument is. 

We might think that animals couldn’t possibly mastermind an epidemic because they can’t communicate. But that’s being ignorant, they just don’t communicate the way we do. They have senses we don’t have and may be able to talk on frequencies we can’t hear. Pangolins might even converse on the same frequency as rhinos and gorillas, which makes the problem even worse. Rhinos and gorillas are pissed off as hell and would love to see humans go down. Actually, I can’t think of a species that wouldn’t be on the pangolin’s side during this revolution. Dogs perhaps, but they’ve surely seen on the news that people in Asia eat them for supper. How can our dog trust that we won’t do the same? Even more so, if pangolins, rhinos and gorillas promise them a world in which they get to hold the leash and decide when it’s time to take a leak, how can they possibly say no? 

If pangolins and their allies get the marketing right, they will be able to convince pretty much any other victimized species on the planet. Think of white tigers, grey parrots, and exotic frogs: they no longer accept serving as pets for rich people, they will join the revolution! Tigers can infiltrate the United States, parrots can attack from the air, and frogs can terrorize the rivers. What species wouldn’t get on board? Two toed sloths, ring tailed lemurs and Malayan sun bears: they’re all pissed off. They had lots of trees but now have little, because humans had little soy fields but now have lots. If these endangered species were left to fend for themselves, they wouldn’t stand a chance. But if they can communicate, they will form a joined army. If my conspiracy turns out to be true, we have a big problem on our hands. 

When we look at human history, the outcome of the animal revolution can be somewhat predicted. We can expect local concentration camps, short lived genocides, and long lasting dictators. Luckily, animals will eventually distance themselves from such cruelty and head towards a peaceful solution. Despite all their hatred, they will come to realize that we aren’t all bad. Considering that there’s people like David Attenborough and Jane Goodall out there, humans might be worth saving. After decades of warfare, animals will come to agreements and formulate laws for humans to sign. Rhinos will reinforce the ban on traditional medicines, tigers will prohibit the use of fur, and parrots will make sure that animals can no longer be used as pets unless a document is signed to proof that the animal is fully complicit. Whales and sharks will demand to swim peacefully, vultures and geese to fly carelessly, and cows and pigs to move freely. Humans also have to promise that they’ll plant more trees than they cut, and eat less animals than they need. Only after meeting these demands, war prisoners will be spared of their life and civilians be given back their freedom. Sadly, many human lives had to be sacrificed to achieve this, but that’s no different from other revolutions. I’m not saying we deserved it, but we had it coming.